oct 6th. diane, i had a busy day -- the 2nd interview with the new folks, another touch-base with brent at tibco, checking in with brennan about hotel plans for coachella this weekend. a lot of signals from a lot of people. i think it was a little overwhelming. tonight i am here in my apartment, and i am feeling the freak-out process begin to set in again ... the voracious anxiety. i tried calling everyone, couldn't reach jaimee, couldn't reach rip, couldn't reach damien, couldn't reach scooter, couldn't reach scooter. in the past, at times like these i would feel the fear swallow me alive. i would do some of my best writing that way. but it's also too scary a place to let that wash over me and drown me ... i feel like i might not make it back up to the surface if i let myself go there again. ellery and i have talked about 'riding it out' -- not letting the anxiety get out of control, just letting it simmer until it eventually dies down. it's during times like these that the waiting gets unbearable ... not knowing when the anxiety will end, but needing to keep the faith that it will end. can i accomplish that on my own, alone, each time it happens, with no reward in sight? can i endure this without calling someone? it's so ironic -- a city full of people, and right now i feel so isolated. but to go out into it means getting a head full of more people, more thoughts, more interactions, more dynamics. it would only add to my anxiety, which i know is the last thing i need to do to myself. and so i am left with just me and my thoughts. which might be the most damaging of all.		Time goes from present to past.   - Dogen Zenji 1998: toward the light > 05 jan 99. they unavoidably change. 10 jan 99. we hide behind our screens. 17 jan 99. which path? 10 feb 99. extremely vivid dream. 20 feb 99. misc thoughts. 21 feb 99. surfer in the water. 23 feb 99. brainstorm 1: love output equation. 06 mar 99. sleeping under the 580. 14 mar 99. mingling. 23 mar 99. antidote for selfishness. 04 apr 99. little heartbreaks. 06 may 99. unexplained early rise. 15 may 99. brainstorm 2: human-web evolution. 15 may 99. storm on the horizon. 20 may 99. first drive. 28 may 99. 2nd flashback. 31 may 99. selective reality. 10 jun 99. the tell-tale email. 11 jun 99. exposure & tears. 13 jun 99. 5 seconds. 27 jun 99. visual effects artist. 03 jul 99. i close my eyes. 06 jul 99. healing touch. 09 jul 99. episode 11. 10 jul 99. dj rap in berkeley. 14 jul 99. 4 days after bt. 26 jul 99. struggling with Real. 30 jul 99. net trippin. 15 aug 99. san diego sparkles. 29 aug 99. skyy vodka ad fails. 09 sep 99. when the thoughts stop. 15 sep 99. foreboding. 20 sep 99. bubble states. 25 sep 99. waking. 06 oct 99. episode 16. 04 nov 99. brainstorm 3. feb 11. final entry. Linda.