03 july 99. spinning: bt, the road to lostwithiel. when you lie down and close your eyes, you shut out the insanity of the world around you, you put yourself in a safe comfortable place.   the darkness underneath your eyelids are like a smooth black blank canvas, a place to visualize ideas and dreams and fantasies that are all your own.   a place to play hero, explorer, dreamer. but now i'm afraid to close my eyes ... if i do, my reality blurs & melts away, my world breaks up around me and scatters away from me.   when i don't see it, it's no longer there. closing my eyes is not a quick-fix retreat into safety like it once was.   the effect is now too powerful.   the images are now too intense.   a portal opens up from my inner depths, my subconscious, the bridge to a dark second-world, the instant i close my eyes. when i put my eyelids down, the thoughts invade, the voices shout, the anxiety builds. the past intrudes. when i put my eyelids down, the angry restless ghosts of ancient memories rise up from their hiding places inside.   the eyelids going down are like flipping a switch, lifting a gate up and letting demons loose to float free. i open my eyes. they retreat away into my depths, scared of the low ambient light from my darkened bedroom. the light from the streetlamp outside my window streams dimly across my ceiling.   i hear a lone car pass by on the street below.   i hear ... what do i hear?   the sound of my inhale. i close the eyes again, and the voices moan and wail.   they bring a terrible message for me. i lift the eyelids again. all is quiet.   serene.   peaceful. another lone car passing by below. two worlds, two different shades of unreal, barely separated by a blink.   which one is more frightening? i take a breath.   let the energy ripple up my spine from my lower back and travel into my head.   it sedates me, pleasures me.   soothes me.   grace's phone call did something to me -- it cleansed me somehow. it was the first time in over a year that i've been able to get through describing what happened to me, beginning to end. the first time i get through the entire story. she was infinitely patient with me. i arch my back calmly, and feel little cascading waves of energy trickling up and down. i take another breath.   it feels like time has come to a stop.   mercifully.   blissfully. i let my eyelids drop. in the darkness underneath my eyelids, i'm now seeing something, a distinct shape.   is it visualization?   something in my mind? no.   it's visual.   right in front of me, between my iris and my eyelids.   in the center of darkness, a lit arrow pointing upward, encased in a circle.   it hovers there, glowing, pointing. i'm startled by it.   have i gone mad?   am i hallucinating? i open my eyes, blinking incredulously. the arrow is still there, hovering in my field of vision, against the backdrop of my darkened ceiling.   pointing up, out towards the street. i want to turn away and avert my eyes.   BUT I CAN'T. i'm forced to stare at it, eyes open or shut.   it refuses to go away until i decipher it. the arrow points up, waiting for me to begin questioning. does it mean up out into the street?   beckoning me to go visit the beach or walk the City, at 3 in the morning? or does it mean truly Up, into the sky, into the heavens?   does it want me to fly an airplane again, after so long?   to experience the feeling of floating in the clouds, of being untethered from the earth? i think it's the latter.   it's been so painfully long since i experienced pure joy, Pure Boundless Joy.   since i put my puny existence, and this entire private pathetic tortured world i'm trapped in, into perspective.   to see the bigger picture.   to see what is possible. but mike, my cessna obi-wan, is 1500 miles away in denver.   too far away.   no money to take a flight to visit him. i must find a solution and respond to this call.   i have to fly again.   something tells me i will learn something new when i do.   something unknown and unquantifiable.   but something already planned, that i need to learn. i have to find a way to make it happen, while this message light blinks actively inside me. i have to fly again.

Time goes from present to past.   - Dogen Zenji 1998: toward the light > 05 jan 99. they unavoidably change. 10 jan 99. we hide behind our screens. 17 jan 99. which path? 10 feb 99. extremely vivid dream. 20 feb 99. misc thoughts. 21 feb 99. surfer in the water. 23 feb 99. brainstorm 1: love output equation. 06 mar 99. sleeping under the 580. 14 mar 99. mingling. 23 mar 99. antidote for selfishness. 04 apr 99. little heartbreaks. 06 may 99. unexplained early rise. 15 may 99. brainstorm 2: human-web evolution. 15 may 99. storm on the horizon. 20 may 99. first drive. 28 may 99. 2nd flashback. 31 may 99. selective reality. 10 jun 99. the tell-tale email. 11 jun 99. exposure & tears. 13 jun 99. 5 seconds. 27 jun 99. visual effects artist. 03 jul 99. i close my eyes. 06 jul 99. healing touch. 09 jul 99. episode 11. 10 jul 99. dj rap in berkeley. 14 jul 99. 4 days after bt. 26 jul 99. struggling with Real. 30 jul 99. net trippin. 15 aug 99. san diego sparkles. 29 aug 99. skyy vodka ad fails. 09 sep 99. when the thoughts stop. 15 sep 99. foreboding. 20 sep 99. bubble states. 25 sep 99. waking. 06 oct 99. episode 16. 04 nov 99. brainstorm 3. feb 11. final entry. Linda.