| 27 jun 99. | |
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my body is used to a steady diet of 8 hours sleep. i need that
shutdown time desperately, to deal with the fatigue from the
regression therapy, to let my subconscious sort through
all the shit that constantly invades my thoughts -- i have vivid
dreams every night, relentlessly. some uncomfortable, some enticing,
some terrifying.
waking up is what is really disturbing -- while in the dream, i
become aware of time passing over in the "real world".
my consciousness, now awake, continues to stay with the dream,
almost feeling like i'm in another room, another place, that is
not my bedroom.
i'm definitely conscious because i can now control what is occuring
in the dream. i've got each foot in different doors to two
different worlds.
if i start to think about the four walls in my bedroom, i can feel
my consciousness begin to get violently sucked back into the
confines of my head,
instead of floating free and boundless in the dream-setting.
usually i get very fearful of beginning full consciousness prematurely,
and ebb back into the free-floating environment and let the dream
continue further. i steer the dream until something pleasurable or
positive happens, something that would be a good note to wake up on.
it's then that i crank up awareness-mode, allowing my senses to
begin collecting data: four walls encasing me, computer playing
wake-up music, sunlight streaming through closed eyelids, blanket shifting
over skin, traffic noise outside open window.
i've heard the term out-of-body experience (oob), but i don't
know if this is it.
but it is definitely evidence of living inside a subconscious state.
it is an acute awareness inside the subconscious state. a combination
of conscious intruding in upon or interacting with subconscious. it's
a lucid dreaming state.
brennan and i had met stephanie and her adorable
wheelchair-bound friend last night at a pizza parlor in san rafael,
after the
liar show earlier
that evening.
stephanie was eccentric, flighty, out-of-phase, basically crazy like
most artists are.
she was also laid back, open-minded &
taboo-free, like most people i gravitate to. she also had a
'wavelength' about her -- weathered, cavalier, a lazy
sensuality about her, like she'd been through a lot of shit and
sees things now a little less than seriously. realizing that life is
too short to feel hung-up or self-conscious or scheming or
stressed out. i respect that. it feels familiar -- or at least
something i aspire to. she felt neutral -- not
weaker, not stronger, not further along the path, not naively behind. neutral.
as if she was a counterpart.
when we first met and started talking, i felt a strong desire to
hook up with her -- her dark olive skin, brilliant smile, tousled
bronze hair, and large dark eyes were intoxicating. we kept
hanging on our eye contact with each other, which usually tells
me something. we talked and joked fatalistically about dating and sex
... it was so tension-free, it didn't even feel like flirting. there was
something pointless about the flirting. that felt good.
the idea of a sexual connection with no meaning in it
whatsoever calmed the storms in my heart. soothed the pain.
i didn't take it from idle flirting to suggestion -- i thought that it might
be disrespectful to brennan, since i
wasn't sure if he might be interested in her as well. plus i've
never outright hit on someone with a buddy present, that would
be weird for me somehow. call me a private person. or an
unsocialized wimp. whatever. i'd just rather concentrate on
a potential interest in a one-on-one setting.
instead the three of us hung out for a few hours,
ending up at her place after taking her friend home. stephanie
showed us her demo tape with the music video she had
recently completed for liar.
she became more
intriguing with each frame of the tape, with each strange
jump-cut and adobe illustrator trick. afterwards we kicked back
and chatted, floating from trivial topics to larger issues. her
unabashed eccentricity was refreshing.
it was getting late, and we were all getting tired. as we said our
goodbyes, i took a moment to tell her one-to-one how glad i was
that we met. i gave her my card,
along with my cell phone number -- brennan pointed out disarmingly that
receiving my cell number was a rare privilege. my brain paused
for a moment as i processed this -- i hadn't really
thought about it until that moment. i mean, it's not like i had
found the love of my life or anything. but she intrigued me and
attracted me, and i wanted to know that better -- i wanted to learn that
wavelength. whether there was an 'outcome' in store is anyone's
guess. i have no desire to steer it any particular way. unlike my
apparent ability to control my dreams, i'd rather just sit back and
let this unfold around me. i'm too tired to want it to go
somewhere.
what did i wake up from this morning? images of visual
although i can't shake an image when i think of her: of my lips
brushing lightly against her neck, drinking in the scent of her
olive skin and her tousled chaotic hair.
Time goes from present to past. - Dogen Zenji
