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an energy-send to my compadre Mimi -- a reminder that bonds between friends never decay.
31 may 99, 8:58 pm. spinning:
The Abyss: "Bud's Deep Dive",
Natalie Imbruglia: "Troubled By The Way We Came Together".
i used to believe in so many things -- blind romantic ideals, deep joy, enduring lasting hope and faith. how i've changed. those beliefs are so deeply buried, under layers and layers of dry, suffocating dirt that have poured and sifted into my body. were they always hapless fantasy? or were they once real, because i believed in them?
my life in the past year has been an example of 'selective reality': how you see your surroundings and your place in it determines what will happen for you and how your life will unfold.if you see the world as a cold uncaring place, people will shy away from you.
if you see the world as benevolent, people will be kind and open toward you.
if you view yourself as destined with high ambitions, opportunities will be placed in front of you.
if you see yourself as powerless, people will exert their brute force over you.
what makes this so is the 'vibe' you put out as a result of your worldview. your worldview-vibe naturally attracts people -- and by extension situations & events -- with similar worldview-vibes, sometimes on a purely subconscious level.
(remember this when you wonder about the strange repeating patterns in your life: why you seem to keep getting into the same kinds of relationships ... why your car keeps getting broken into over and over again ... why i keep getting seated next to beautiful girls on airplane flights. it amazes me that people cannot see the hidden answer behind the strange patterns in their lives. there is a reason for everything. nothing happens by accident.)
but my reality keeps changing inside, causing my world around me to keep changing -- hope now changed into irrelevance, love changed into indifference, romance into fantasy, happiness into transience. i take comfort in knowing i can continue to shape my reality to bring me personal successes and accomplishments. but all those people i see around me -- the source of what really is important in life -- i'm losing touch with. i can't read them, and i can't make assumptions about them. i just end up with static, with a big blank. they're empty outlines ... like rows and rows of candles moving through the darkness, each tiny flame impenetrable, inflexible, unable to dissolve and blend with anything outside of its orange boundaries.
a candle flame cannot be touched -- you can't run your finger along the edge and feel its texture. is it any wonder that you cannot get to know a candle flame intimately, since you cannot touch it. and if you cannot touch it, how do you know it's truly 'real'? it has no essence. no soul.
when i view all of these countless people around me as having no souls, what does that tell me about myself?
god, i know how the homeless person feels ... so isolated & disconnected from countless people floating by them, those people unwilling to let themselves be touched by you or let you near them. those people cease being real. they're soulless.
(this, i suspect, is also how the gun-toting, classmate-killing teenagers in Colorado felt, living in their sterilized suburban isolation.)
why is it, while my sense of love and hope and joy has withered, that one thing remains untainted and uncorrupted: my sense of compassion. so strange, since it was my compassion that led to the biggest nightmare of my life. but i know as i look deep into myself, deep into all my pains and realizations, that my sense of compassion can never be killed off -- it's just too strong.i witness so many people who push away their sense of compassion. too many people. i cannot grasp how people can do that so easily -- it's unfathomable to me. i refuse to go that route ... for whatever reason -- and there is a reason -- compassion is permanently ingrained in me.
no matter how lifeless things are inside me, no matter how soulless i see the endless crowds in front of me ... occasionally my sixth sense will turn on and a spotlight will appear, illuminating someone who is sending out a distress signal. and i know in my heart that i wouldn't hesitate to help once again.
this time i know just not to get too close to the flame.