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"Time goes from present to past." - Dogen Zenji |
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an energy-send to Mimi, whose strength of character and example remind me of my own faith in myself. xie xie, my friend.
written: 16 apr 99, 11:50 pm.
spinning: Sasha & Digweed, Northern Exposure - East Coast Edition
Little heartbreaks.
It seems my only relief from the intensity, from the terrifying too-muchness that swirls out of control around me, is a small oasis,
a delicate voice,
a perfectly framed face,
that delivers unspoken promise of comfort, of soothing quiet company, of calm amidst the lightning ... but then draws away from you, a fleeting moment of almost-bliss and pseudo-connection that never really existed to begin with.It was all in your mind, wasn't it? It was never really there, never shared, never returned.
I merely wanted some solace ... something momentary ... something I knew would ultimately slip away from me, a face that would turn to dust the moment I reach out to touch it. But can't I be granted the illusion of warmth before that happens? Why is that so much to ask?
This is the actual solace from the terror -- gentle, quiet sorrow like lonely dew sticking to leaves, amidst the heavy uncomfortable mist and the hesitant trees. Even this is a relief from the chaos.
Why do you let yourself even take that heart's first, most timid step? Of fondness, of gentle warmth ... you know it will ultimately result in emptiness, in a void. Why do you do it to yourself?
Because even that brings a kind of imperceptible happiness. Of daring to imagine what could be, for just that fleeting moment inside.
This numbness -- from repeated little stings that float over to you, deliver their bitter medicine, and drift away into the fog -- what purpose does it serve?
It serves to ground you, to anchor you. To keep you from being swept away into the chaos.
Do you want this as your relief, your solace? Your purgatory?
For Hyunju