"Time goes from present to past."   - Dogen Zenji Feb 20, 99   Feb 10, 99   Jan 17, 99   Jan 10, 99   Jan 05, 99   Dec 30, 98   Dec 20, 98   Dec 17, 98   Dec 15, 98   Dec 6, 98   Dec 3, 98   Nov 15, 98   Nov 1, 98   Oct 24-25, 98   Oct 17, 98   Oct 11-12, 98   Oct 98   Sept 98   Aug 98   July 98   June 98

an energy-send to Mimi for having the first journal I found that inspired me to create my own, and whose strength of character and example remind me of my own faith in myself. xie xie, my friend.

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chronicled:	21 feb 99, sunday afternoon, ocean beach.
spinning:	no music. ocean surf.

i walk along the edge of the water. my mind drifts and wanders.   thoughts and feelings built up from daily big-city stresses get gently separated and sorted, letting me leisurely sift through them one at a time.   i think of old faces & new friends, fond moments & distant recollections.   of myself as a child.   a me without worries, without constraints.   my mind feels relaxed, tranquil. my eyes gaze out across the water.   i see a surfer, bobbing in the cold waves with his board.   a scene forms in my head, a waking dream, hypnotic -- i see him in trouble, drowning.   struggling for help.   it is happening.   RIGHT NOW. i hesitate.   i want to help so much, i am ABLE to help so much.   my situation is better than his; he needs my help.   but i am trapped with a moment of paralysis and fear.   it's horrible, shameful, empty.   meaningless.   but i'm so torn.   i want to help ... to reach out ... to add my strength to his. "I can't just stand by and do nothing ..." hearing these words jar something deep inside me, and i start to cry.   in the past i remember reaching out, without a second thought, without any other concept or idea attached.   but this reaching out is ultimately what killed me, my inner-me, like getting burned on a stove so hot you don't know whether it's extreme heat or extreme cold your hand is touching, until it's far too late. there is still a deep, buried scar inside, still sensitive to the touch.   something broken within, still unhealed.   "I can't just stand by and do nothing ..." my mind seems to pointing to this as the source, the beginning, the omega-point that led to the life-change.   the trauma.   it is what i am blaming myself for.